Are you unintentionally robbing people of their experiences? You might be, without even realizing it.
Many of us have been taught that relating to others creates connection. You might think that by saying, “Me too!” you’re building a bridge between your experiences and theirs. But in reality, this may be interrupting a more meaningful exchange.
When you jump in with your own story, you shift the focus to yourself, effectively robbing the other person of the opportunity to feel heard and understood. This is a critical distinction for anyone in coaching—and a fundamental skill for effective coaches.
The Difference Between Relating and Connecting
If you’ve ever been told that relating equals connection, you’ve been misled.
There’s a key difference between the two.
Relating:
Defined as the process of interacting or engaging with someone based on shared understanding or experiences, relating often involves recognizing similarities and identifying with another person’s thoughts or feelings.
But here’s the key: it’s about you. It’s how you, as a listener, relate their experience to your own.
Connecting:
On the other hand, connection goes much deeper. It is the emotional bond that forms when two individuals engage in meaningful and vulnerable exchanges. It’s about them. True connection happens when someone feels seen, understood, and valued—not when they hear about your similar situation.
Why Does Deeping Conversations Matter to Coaches?
Consider this common scenario in conversation:
Person 1: “I’m really struggling with fatigue. I wake up every morning feeling exhausted…”
Person 2: (interrupts) “Me too! I go to bed too late, and usually on a full stomach after snacking all night…”
What just happened? The conversation shifted from Person 1’s experience of fatigue to Person 2’s story. While both people are tired, their experiences are likely different. Person 2 unintentionally robbed Person 1 of the opportunity to share, to feel heard, and to feel important in that moment.
The Power of Connection in Coaching
For coaches, this distinction between relating and connecting is paramount. Relating has its place in building rapport, but it only scratches the surface. True connection is what allows for deeper engagement and creates a lasting bond.
Coaches are trained to lay a strong foundation for connection, providing a safe and brave space for their clients. This brave space allows the client to be the center of attention, to express their experiences without interruption, and to be vulnerable. The coach listens, validates, and asks powerful questions, focusing entirely on the client’s needs, not their own.
This ability to connect, rather than relate, is what distinguishes great coaches from good ones. It’s a skill that can be developed through proper training and practice.
Why Coaches Must Master the Art of Connection
As a coach, your role is to create a space for another person to explore their thoughts, feelings, and experiences fully. It takes humility to step back from offering your own stories or opinions, and instead lean into the client’s experience.
Here’s why mastering connection is essential:
- It Fosters Trust: Clients feel truly seen, heard, and understood, which fosters trust and openness.
- It Deepens Engagement: When clients sense that the focus is on them, they’re more likely to engage deeply and explore areas of their lives they might otherwise shy away from.
- It Leads to Transformation: Connection enables clients to reflect, gain clarity, and move toward meaningful change.
Building connection requires vulnerability on the coach’s part as well. It means creating an environment where the client feels safe enough to be fully themselves—without the coach needing to insert their own experiences or advice.
Want to learn how to create these spaces in your own coaching practice? Dive deeper into the skills needed to master connection with our ICF accredited Coach Certification Programs at USA Coach Academy.
Relating in Sales vs. Connection in Coaching
Relating has its place—in sales, persuasion, or influencing, it’s important to find common ground and build rapport through shared experiences. But these are often surface-level interactions designed to make people feel comfortable.
In coaching, the goal is not surface-level engagement but rather deep, lasting change. To achieve this, coaches must go beyond relating and learn to cultivate true connection. This involves listening with curiosity, asking powerful questions, and giving the client the space to explore their own answers.
Learn more about the difference between surface-level relating and deeper connection in our Coach Training Courses at USA Coach Academy.
